| Sometimes there is solace that can be found in anonymity. A number of years ago I began blogging as a way of getting thoughts out of my head, and out there. One of the things I enjoyed about blogging was that I was virtually unknown, and I could share my thoughts without having to be careful not to offend those who may come across my blog.
On my blog I was able to be honest, to be myself--my real self. But over time more and more people discovered my blog. No longer were there a handful of people who read my blog, but a couple dozen, then a hundred. While not all of those who read my blog read every post, I eventually had to treat every post as if each and every one of them were reading it. After a while I was no longer to really share what was on my mind. I was able to write some, but what I felt able to write about no longer carried the appeal. No longer was my blog an online confessional of the thoughts and ideas that were swimming around in my head, but instead my blog had begun to look more like a boring Christmas letter. It filled in the facts, and shared some of the events happening in my life, but it had become canned. My blog became a watered down version of me.
I still had thoughts that I wanted to blog about, and still felt like I had something to say. But having to proof read my thoughts, and edit and re-edit them to make sure they wouldn’t be misconstrued, or held against me in the future, eventually left me with little desire to blog. Part of me felt like the band that poured out there heart’s cry in a song and sang: Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be Most people who heard the song thought it was horrible that someone who claimed to be a Christian used the “f” word in a song. What was overlooked by most was the attempt to truly share where I was, and what was on my mind, much like those who wrote the lyrics above.
Just as the person who wrote that song isn’t perfect, I am not perfect. I’ve made mistakes, and some of those mistakes came on my blog. After having some of my flaws thrown in my face I eventually decided that honesty wasn’t worth the price, and I all but gave up blogging and in some regards reverted to my introverted ways. I was able to remain open and honest with my wife, but apart from my relationship with her I felt my ability to open up about my thoughts had been taken away once again. That was until I decided to return to my roots and blog where I could under a cloak of anonymity, where I began. I don’t blog nearly as much as I did five years ago, but I do find it rewarding to be able to share things that are on my mind, and once again not have to worry about what the naysayers might have to say. |
